PHOTO: ME AND MY SISTER, NICOLE, ON THE CATTLE DRIVE
When I got home I freaked. It was utterly depressing.
I have a life in Philadelphia, a boyfriend, a house, cats, a business. I have details. Too many details. I have a cell phone, too many emails, so much for one person, and clients, and jobs, meetings and unpaid parking tickets. I have personal matters that haven't been attended to and in many ways I am a wreck. Things are complicated and messy and we don't clean up. I have too much mail, too many dishes, a cat litter box and dying houseplants. We host guests and parties. We do things. We sit on boards, we're "involved," we LOVE Philadelphia. I am exhausted, but I'm afraid to stop. It's not a problem. Until you don't want to come home.
Normally this pace is fine. I have fancy myself a do-er of things. I am proactive. I jump in. But nothing made me ask "why?" more than leaving, doing something truly great... and then coming back to my life. Automatically things have to change. So I made a plan.
Well, first I wallowed. But it was a scheme-y sort of wallow. And because I'm nothing if not realistic at ALL TIMES, in the midst of my scheme-y wallowing these things I knew:
1) I'm not moving to Montana (I don't think, but maybe)
2) 40-below winters aren't my thing (but can't you just layer?)
and
3) If I'm going to figure out a way to play with horses and cows MORE, I need to get money
There are a few more things in there, like the inherent oppositional force of my life as it is now versus the life on the back of a horse, but that's actually complicated, so I'm dealing with the simpler 1,2,3 stuff first. My heart knows there's a hypothetical there, and if I'm working towards one I'm actively working AWAY from the other, but OUCH. So emotional.
1 comment:
You should start by coming over and meeting me on the Walk and we can walk over to the stables there on American and maybe...maybe at night..or dusk...yes!!! DUSK! In the shadows of dusk, we can jump the fence and commandeer the horses around that little yard! Urban cowgirls! Yes?? Oh, one thing. I've never ridden a horse.
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